Privacy and Polyamory: What about the ethics?

ConfidentialI have put a great deal of thought into how I wanted to breech the subject of my depression here on the blog and tonight Jedi gave me the perfect springboard to do just that.

Jedi and I have an open relationship. It works for us but we don’t advertise it to close friends and family. A big proponent of this is the fact that Jedi and I are both bisexual; but is also due to the fact that we both have interests that are separate from each other and we have agreed to seek partners elsewhere for our differing sexual appetites (primarily when it is a deviation that one has, in which the other does not share).

Jedi has been speaking with another woman online for about a month. He met her on OKCupid and befriended her on Fetlife as well. They discussed a D/s relationship and some fetishes that Jedi has an interest in that either I have no interest in assisting him with or that he would prefer I not assist him with. The secondary reason mostly related to the type of relationship that he and I have. That being that Jedi is my Daddy and I am his Babygirl. As he puts it “it is a way of defining the terms of how we communicate with each other and what names we use for each other”.

Sometime this past week the woman that Jedi has been conversing with perused my Fetlife profile, and through that perusal read some of my journal entries there, which is where I have been slightly more open about my battle with depression and anxiety as it related to my pulling away from the lifestyle and sexual liasons as well.

Apparently, this woman became extremely offended that Jedi never divulged to her that “the reason” Jedi and I were poly was because of my depression. It has never been even a minor factor as to why Jedi and I chose to have an open relationship, and when he tried to explain this to her while she accepted that it was not she was still offended that he never thought to tell her that his primary partner suffered from depression and anxiety.

Upon hearing about this, I became incredibly offended that my mental health would ever be any business of a secondary partner for Jedi. He agreed with me and advised that he told her as much.  I am still flummoxed as to why anything about a person’s primary partner needs to be advised of to a play partner or a secondary of any sort. Now, I expect to get naysayers for something such as an STI and I wholly agree on that aspect. If it is a condition that may affect a third party, then absolutely be open and honest, but if it is a condition that would cause no affliction to a third party then it is not something one should divulge without having consulted the person who it relates to.

I have no issue discussing publicly that I have major depressive disorder, PTSD, social anxiety disorder and general anxiety disorder. I will happily explain to anyone who is curious what it is like to live with these conditions and I will applaud modern medicine whether it is medication therapy or human therapy. While I do not know much about alternative therapies (such as meditation); I won’t discredit it if it (truly) works for you.

As an aside; over the last 7 months I have all but been emotionally and physically closed off from friends and family; including Jedi. I still showed affection in my words and never stop loving Jedi; but I was unable to show that beyond saying “I love you” to him. I had no inclination to be desirable nor did I find him or anyone else desirable. After 6 months of human therapy and an adjustment in my medication therapy I am happily getting back into being more intimate with Jedi. I still don’t reach out to friends or family, but this has always been my habit. Shockingly I am a very private person and don’t tend to circulate socially very often.