First things first. There are two* different “types” of asexual(s). There are those that have no interest in sex whatsoever, and tend toward low to no sexual attraction to others; and then there are those that have no or low sexual desires.
I am one of the latter. I can and do find people sexually attractive, I can and do become sexually aroused, however it is not a necessity for me. I can happily go months without having sexual intercourse, foreplay or any other type of intimate relations with myself or another person.
I’m still sex positive and I still love sex. I just don’t have any form of a need for it. My sexual activity level was higher when I was younger, but as I aged I found the physical need for sex dwindling. In July of 2012, I had to have a life saving operation due to an ectopic pregnancy. As part of that surgery I elected to have a partial hysterectomy as well. I knew that I would not have the mental stamina to go through another failed pregnancy (2012 was my third), so after finding out that I would have to have my right fallopian tube removed I asked that they do the same with the left; as opposed to just having that one cauterized and tied.
Because of this procedure, my sex drive all but crashed. The only reason I was sexually engaged with partners was because I didn’t keep a new partner for very long; or due to schedules I was not seeing partners very often so my want to have sex was higher. This however causes some complications now that I am in a relationship, that I hope will last the rest of my lifetime.
At the beginning of our relationship, Jedi and I had sex pretty regularly. That being, that we copulated at least once a week. These days however, Jedi is lucky if he gets laid every other month. Granted, we practice ethical non-monogamy so he is able to seek sexual relations with other partners and I 100% support this. It does however sometimes put a strain on our relationship. We work through it, and we’re still happily living together and planning to get married to each other, even with our sex life being rather void.
I decided to “come out” if you will, because recently I have decided that I wanted to re-enter the dating pool and take into consideration a secondary partner. This has been sometimes difficult because as soon as someone who is browsing my profile sees that I am listed as asexual, they tend to stop checking me out. Or even worse, they decide my asexuality is a challenge. The latter is incredibly offensive, and to be perfectly honest in one situation left me feeling violated.
I had been talking to a gentleman through Tinder, and at first his snide comments and jokes about my asexuality were amusing and even funny. However, it quickly became obnoxious. When I extended an invitation to get together for beers or coffee, he commented (warned really) that I needed to be careful because he tended to get gropey.
When I told him that such actions would end the date immediately, he acted as if I was implying that I would be taking him back to my place or going to his to have sex or at least make out. I was quick to advise that the date would in fact not be ending in his favor, and that I did not appreciate being approached in such a manner, much less having my asexuality treated like an achievement to unlock. He stated essentially that if I couldn’t take a joke then he was rescinding his acceptance to the offer of a date. I happily accepted his rescind and blocked him.
I have since had a few more conversations with other gentleman who are accepting, or at least willing to politely discuss my asexuality but finding someone who has an interest in grabbing drinks with someone who is very upfront with the fact that they are not actively seeking a new sexual partner is difficult and really rather frustrating.
I am all for free love and exploring sexuality, but why does lack of sex or lack of interest in sex have to be a deal breaker?
*Yes, technically there are 4 types of asexuals. The other two types being those born without male or female genitalia or those born without male or female participation.