Disconnect

I’m finding myself at a disconnect with my kink life. I’m somewhat okay with that. I’ve discovered that I yearn for punishment when I am stressed out. I’ve recently quit working and gone back to school full time. Which has shockingly reduced my stress levels.

With that being said I am finding that I crave more vanilla things like cuddling and good morning/good night text messages. Phone calls or text messages just to say “Hi” or “Miss you”.

At this point in my life as much as I crave these softer these softer things I also know that it’s not the right time for them. I started seeing a gut who I adored. Too bad he wasn’t ready for (didn’t want) the same things that I did (a relationship).

I’ve mostly come to terms with that and have accepted a friends with benefits position with him. It satisfies my more primal cravings of sexual satisfaction but leaves me emotionally unsatisfied. I’m not really sure if I am just ove analyzing or if this is all we will ever be.

For now I’ll keep to my constant of accepting what I get, not expecting more and coping with the lack of emotional satisfaction. This is a ride I’ve ridden before, while it can often leave me wanting I’ll stick around because it’s better than being completely alone.

2 thoughts on “Disconnect

  1. This sounds like a normal phenomenon. When one has indulged in kink but not vanilla sex/romance one may desire these things at an increasing pace. We both know how it feels when the sex is good but the emotional connection is lacking (though fortunately not from our current relationship). As Dan Savage might say, you must decide whether the lack of emotional satisfaction is the cost of admission for the great sex you’re enjoying in your current FWB relationship.

    • The lack of active interest from the ex/fwb made me decide that it was pointless. A person can only deal with “You can hang out if you want…” and passive indifference before they will give or or get angry.

      I chose to give up. I care deeply for him but I refuse to be someone’s puppy at the same time. I will not be seen (by others or by myself) as Pavlov’s dog in regard to sexual satisfaction or in regard to emotional satisfaction.

      We are still friends but I have decided that it needs to be just friends. I refuse to put myself through the emotional angst of hoping that some day he’ll care for me more deeply.

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